I have often thought...okay...more than often thought...of trying to find my "birth mother." (Please forgive me if that term offends you. I have read that the real label needs to be "breeder." Of course, I disagree.)
As I am coming upon my birthday (July 16), my thoughts are with my birth mother. My birthday is always painful. Does she remember? Does she think about me? Does she care? Why hasn't she reached out to me? Why was I a throw-away child/person? How could that be?
I would love to find my birth mother...and only for one reason. I want to look her in the eyes and say to her, "I understand. If you ever needed to feel forgiven, you need not feel that way. I do understand."
You see, my "birth father" (breeder...in the case it makes sense) was an evil man. If he treated her as he treated me, I would have fled, also. As a matter of fact, I did...at her age. I had planned to find a way out since I was nine years old. Finally, at 16, I though I was old enough that people would believe me when I told them what he was doing to me.
Maybe I WAS her in his mind. When I was a child I thought that I must look like my mother. I must remind him of her. He must see her in me. What other explanation would suffice for abusing your baby girl?
I am sure there are many explanations. And right now, it just doesn't matter.
My birth mother simply needs to know that I am okay. And...I do understand.