Tuesday, November 3, 2009

~~One Big Lie~~

So if my theory is correct about my father murdering my mother, so much of my life isn't what I thought it was.  Sounds so cliche, but my life has been based on ONE BIG LIE.

Father kills mother when baby was 11 months old.  Father leaves baby in foster home for a few years.  Father comes back to retrieve baby, but he brings a new mother with him.

Father tells baby as she is growing up that her first mother didn't love her.  He tells baby that her mother abused and abandoned her own baby.

All this time, I grew up thinking and believing that I was unlovable.  After all, as a mother myself, I know that no mother could abandon her baby.  Was it because I was deformed?  How was it that I so unlovable that my mother could leave me in a park all by myself at 11 months old?

Abandonment is a gift that keeps on giving your entire life.  You are always afraid that you will be "left." And because of this, you cling.  And because of this, you are left.  Then you learn not to cling, but you have this constant fear that keeps you from living fully and freely.  You are never free.  Not ever.

So, if my mother was murdered, she didn't abandon me.  She couldn't have.  But I'm still left with the effects of separation anxiety and fear of future abandonment.

I have a headache.



1 comment:

Anne said...

My dear, somehow I hope this all unfolds in due time. Kmow that there are people who value you and love you............no matter WHAT! ANNE