Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I am usually pretty good with words, but not today. In fact, I don't know if the English language contains words that could describe how I feel.  It really doesn't matter anyway.  Words wouldn't help.  And if I did have the words, I have no one to hear them...really hear them and the internal experience that the words are trying to convey.

I know I will need help with this mess, but I don't know who could help me when the time comes.  I do know that I am, per usual, profoundly alone.  Heck, maybe we all are profoundly alone.  

My internal rage is so fierce that I have become silent.  I best not tap into the rage.  Not now.

Here is what I wrote yesterday....

What really pisses me off is that he not only murdered my MOTHER, he maligned her to try to make it seem like she abused and abandoned me.  I have been feeling abandoned and have been "gifted" with subsequent abandonment issues my entire life.  Fucker.

He robbed me of a mother's love.  He abused me, robbing me of a father's love and worse...robbing me of the innocence of childhood.  Bastard.

He broke me in so many ways.  He stole my ability to trust...anyone.  He took everything from me...including my ability to have good and healthy relationships.  Fucking bastard.

I want to take everything from him now.

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