I looked on the internet for "support groups" for people with situations like mine. How do you even begin to find others whose father murdered their mother when they were a child? Is there even a name for it?
I found support groups for people who have lost their parents, their spouses, their children, their limbs, their marriages, their spirits and others who have lost their way.
No one seems to be "out there" for us. And then came Lacey. (Not her real name, unless she give me permission.) I don't know how she found me, but she did. And I am grateful. She is the other person in my two-person support group.
Here was may latest email response to Lacey:
I think my father broke my mother's neck and threw her in a mine shaft. I truly BELIEVE this. The only thing that will "prove" it would be for someone to strong arm him so hard that he fesses up. How sad is this??
I don't know your experience, but to have BELIEVED (because your father told you) that your mother abandoned you, threw you away and didn't love you creates such childhood wounds that are never to be healed.
Then, much later in life, to discover that she never had a chance to love you is DEVASTATING.
You still have to deal with the wounds and lasting conditions of abandonment. But in ADDITION, it crashes and burns everything you thought you knew.
It is strangely comforting to connect with someone who "gets it."