Wednesday, December 16, 2009

~~Guilt~~

Normally, I feel that guilt (and blame) have no place in living a good and productive life. However, the guilt I am feeling is nearly overwhelming.

My current guilty feelings stems from the fact that I did not aggressively pursue answers for my mother earlier in life.  Did I want to?  Yes.  Did I think about her? Yes.  In fact, every birthday and every mother's day I ever lived has been ruined with abandonment issues.

Every birthday and mother's, I was consumed with "How could a mother do this?  Why did she abandon me?  Where is she?  Why doesn't she come find me?"

And now I am wracked with guilt that I didn't find HER.  I know I wouldn't have found her, but the answers would have come sooner and maybe she could have rested better and sooner.  

Then again, maybe she never will.

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