Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Castle Tales


A girlfriend emailed me last night to invite me to run a "special errand" with her.  I thought she was going to buy a dog.  Oh...I was so wrong!  She wanted to go to the local "adult" mega store.  Sure!  I am always up for a spontaneous adventure.

So...off we go.  I got firm instructions before we went in.  "Do not talk to anyone.  Do not laugh. Do not use my name!  I know how you are!" 

She put on her shades and walks in... OH MY!  What a "super" store!

Where do we go first???  Well... I know what her "mission" is....so we go straight for the toys, the ones that do funny things.  I pick one up and it goes off!  I YELL, "How the f#*k do I turn this thing off!"

Okay...that was just in the first five minutes.................




Now that I know what she "needs," I go on the hunt.... hmmmmm..... here are some that she didn't see, so I yell, "Suzy!  There are some more over here!!!"   (OOPS....yelling her name across the store......)

I'm dying laughing...and she is on a serious mission....

When she can't decide between two, I say, "I'm sure they'll let you try them!"  She was not amused.  I was!

She decides on taking both of them...so I helpfully say, "They'll let you bring the one you don't like back."  Again, she is not amused....
 

Then...the best part... She was timing the sale so that a woman...not the creepy old guy...would ring the sale.  He walks up and tells her, "I'll help you over here."

She is DYING!!!

He tells her that he must check the batteries.... she is REALLY DYING...and what is her best friend doing???  TAKING PICTURES of this!!!

He is unwrapping her toys, taking out the batteries, exchanging them.  He is carrying her toys around while she is mortified!!! 

He then proceeds to show her how it works, "This button makes it go this way.  That button makes it go the other way."

I am peein' in my pants at all this!!!!

We leave and I am laughing my ass off.

She punches me.



Monday, January 25, 2010

~~Walking the Llama~~

One of the most powerful communications tools, even better than listening, is OBSERVATION.

Life is richer when you observe.  Look what I observed this morning!  



 Observe the photo very carefully to see a couple walking their horse, their two dogs and..................................their LLAMA!






Friday, January 22, 2010

~~Floods and Ducks~~

Sooo....it has been raining torrents here in the Valley of the Sun. Ducks don't know the difference between a flooded golf course and a pond.  Ducks rule today in Scottsdale!



 

Thursday, January 14, 2010

~~Solved Case~~

I promise that I won't ever use names with my cases, but know that I solved a case today!

I found someone's birth father!  Now... we need to see what happens.  Remember, life is not an Oprah Show.

My plan is to graduate...with honors...from detective training and apply the training to finding out what happened (no...to CONFIRM) to my mother.  I am still...and 45...deathly afraid of my father.  Just thinking about confronting him brings me to my knees.

I'll get a bigger bully than he is to go with me.....



Wednesday, January 13, 2010

~~Boot Camp~~

So tell me, is boot camp supposed to be "motivational?"  If the answer is "Yes," then why would the instructor name an ass-kicking exercise, "SUICIDE?"

Signed,

Kamikaze Paris 

Friday, January 8, 2010

~~Boot Camp, Day Three~~

Day three of boot camp~~

I had no clue that I couldn't run one single mile. I can't run ONE PUNY mile!  WTF?!  (Of course, I don't care....and I'm sick with a nasty cold...so there!)


The gals at the camp are chatty cathies... I like that because I tend NOT to be chatty...unless I am dipping into the Ketel One dirty martinis!  


One chatty cathie thought that we needed to hear...blow by blow...the sounds of her husband barfing violently into the bowl this morning.  So many things we just don't need to know!!

Am I sore yet?  (with laughter!)


p.s. John, the instructor, let us all in on a piece of male secret code:  We ignore women...when they are talking!    (Big surprise there, huh?)









Wednesday, January 6, 2010

~~Boot Camp, Part Deux~~

I never thought I'd say that "boot camp" is funny!  But it is.  Or maybe I am just hallucinating so that I make it through.

Right before I had to leave to go this morning, the telephone rang.  It was a very upsetting (and still unresolved) problem that stabs the core of who I am. And frankly, very few people--if any--truly know me.

Anyway, this was a definite test from the Universe...as if I need yet another test.  After crying my eyes out, do I go?  Or do I use this incident as an excuse to skip out?  I was tempted.  But that means that I would fail the test.  I wanted to pass.  So I went, and I passed the test.


The women at boot camp are amazing.  They seem so "real," as opposed to the typical "Snottsdale" broad. They do seem a bit spoiled, but then again, so am I. 


The trainer, John, is far from the "buff bonehead" that I wrote yesterday. He is down to earth and really seems to care about his clients systemically. That is, he seems to care about the totality of a person's health: mental, physical, etc.  Maybe he is just faking it.

Sore, but happy I went. Problem is still unresolved, and I am crying again.  But hey, if I didn't go this morning, the problem would still be unresolved...and I would have failed.


I passed.











Monday, January 4, 2010

~~Boot Camp~~

I started "boot camp" this morning.

Boot Camp...they are everywhere.  You can't turn on the television without seeing people sweating or crying their asses off while being screamed at by some buff bonehead.

Why would I put myself through this?  Well, for me, the reasons are many.  One, I do want to be healthier.  But unlike many, my reasons tend to be more internally based.  I tend to be a homebody, and therefore, isolate.  Everyone knows that isolation is a component in mental and physical malfunction.

I have not done a good job of "getting out" in the last few years.  I have put my health...and even my life...on the line for others.  I found myself at the very back of the bus...maybe even being dragged behind the bus.

By forcing myself to join a boot camp experience, I force myself into the driver's seat. 

After just one excruciating session, I am feeling some of the positive effects. I feel "connected" to a group of wonderful "real" women.  I feel encouraged, as they were so kind to the only newcomer in the group.  I feel like I have new friends, and for women especially, friendships are critical.

Also....my ass hurts.... Well...as they say, "It is only kinky the first time!"