Sunday, May 30, 2010

~~Parisotto Journey--Me~~

The first day, I had to muster the courage to step out. The second day, I had to accept love that I've never known. The third day, I had to accept more disappointment. The fourth day, I must be a brave warrior to confront and to leave it forever...in peace.
 
 

~~Parisotto Journey--Frances~~

Within 60 minutes of my leaving the hotel to search for clues regarding my mother's identity or whereabouts, I hit the wall.  I am not discouraged but sorely disappointed.

My first stop: Rochester police department.  I stood outside the door and rang the bell.  No one there.  Rochester have three cruisers.  Numbers 1 and 2 were parked outside the police department.  A bit dejected, I started to leave the parking lot.  

As I got to the intersection, I spotted "Number 3!"  Okay...I'm gonna stop the cop (for a change).  He was sitting behind high brush to nab speeders.  So...I pulled over by him...but far enough away that he didn't think I was a threat a pull his weapon on me!  Phor Phuck's Sake!

I walked up to his cruiser, and when he noticed me, he got out.  I showed him my birth certificate and asked for his guidance.  "Do you know where this RR 1 is?  Do you know if this person is around?  I don't think she is around, but are there others with this name around?"

The officer was amazing.  As I stood there in the median, hiding behind the brush, he checked his computer again and again.  He then called the dispatcher to get help.  The two of them did as many searches as they could.  They even found "him" in Belleville.  I saw it.

Anyway, no go.

Again, I am not yet discouraged, as I have two more "traps to run," that I know of.  Just disappointed.

~~Parisotto Journey--Joey~~

Some of the information I learned yesterday was intensely painful, but some was downright hysterical.

You know me.  Let's go for the humor first.  It greases the way...

Meet Cousin Joey!

He is an "exotic" dancer in Florida!  We talked for about 45 minutes. 

He remembers seeing me when I was severely deformed... HE was the one that told everyone else about the casts from my hips to my feet!


He is so very funny and LOVES to say "Phuck" as much as I do!  He told me that it is a "DAGO thing!"




Joey is the third dancer in from the left!

(And yes....those are "rainbow" colors!)



Saturday, May 29, 2010

~~Road Trip~~

As I prepare for the road trip of my life...the next three days... I am shaky and I am numb.  I feel like I need to stay in this numb place to get through.  If I don't, the tears will burst and never, ever stop.  If that happens, I won't make it to the other side. Okay, I must stop writing now.

Hello,
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb

Okay
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do belive it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb
                                               ~~Pink Floyd~~



Thursday, May 27, 2010

~~Here we go~~

I am in St. Louis now, as I will be attending my great uncle's wife's surprise birthday party (her 80th) on Saturday evening.  None of us have met...except for when I was super young.

Rudy Parisotto died recently.  He was Americo Parisotto's brother.  Americo was my grandfather...my father's father.  I don't remember Nono, but I  remember Nana.  Her name was Martha Mary...my birth name.


We'd go to Springfield every Thanksgiving to a big chaotic, Italian experience.  I remember being a little girl and loving the whole deal. People everywhere--yelling, not AT, but TO each other!  Men would be sitting and gossiping.  Women would be up and cooking.


Nana taught me about gnocchi, an Italian potato dumpling.  I remember being as tall as her apron strings.  I remember her very round Italian belly...and gnocchi.


My great uncle's daughter recently told me that Nana didn't know much English, but she sure knew English curse words! 


~~Oh, Phor Phuck's Sake!  That explains my "habit"~~




Wednesday, May 19, 2010

~~Overwhelmed~~

You may not want to read this entry, as it is an entry before I travel to Springfield to meet people that share my name and my blood for the first time in my 45 years.

I write this for me, so I can, in great hope, relieve the heaviness I feel in my bleeding heart as I prepare for this frightful journey.

Crying everyday doesn't seem to help; it seems that I've cried every living day of my life.  Crying doesn't help, so why do the tears keep flowing, seemingly out of nowhere?

As I think about the coming week, I am scared. I literally have been shaking uncontrollably for no reason. I don't think I am angry, but it would be "normal" if I were.


I don't hate my father for all he has done to me and put me through.  I am numb to him...as if he doesn't exist.  Yet...yet...I want to confront him. If I do go to confront him, I will go as a warrior, not as a wounded soul...even if I have to fake it!  I may even do that when I go to St. Louis.  He lives in Belleville.  I may just do it...to let him know that he has ruined a child.  And that ruined child still lives within me.  This is the reason for the tears.


I know that driving to Springfield will take me back to my wretched childhood...that was HIS and only HIS fault. No child deserves what happened to me and what I now must live with forever.  Maybe I do hate his fucking guts!  As I should!


Why was I tortured?  Why was I neglected?  Why was I abandoned?  Why was I deprived of parental love?  Why was I so abused? Why must I live with such a huge void in my existence?  Why???? What the fuck did I do to get dumped in a park at 11 months old?  This is the reason for the tears.


You never ever fucking "get over it!"  NEVER!  For FUCK's sake!


Will my new-found family love me?  Will they hate me?  Will they take me in?  Will they, too, abandon me?  I don't know if I can do this. This is the reason for the tears.


I know when I drive from St. Louis to Springfield the flashbacks will be intense like flashes of massive destruction.  Flashbacks of ritualistic torture, of abuse, of neglect, of constant beatings, of nastiness, of daily TERROR!  This is the reason for the tears.


Why wasn't I wanted?  Why didn't anyone want me?  Why didn't anyone SEE what was going on? Why didn't anyone rescue me?   Why wasn't I EVER in a loving home?  Why the FUCK didn't anyone adopt me?  This is the reason for the tears.  

Why did I have to beg the court to stay in FOSTER care?  Foster care is a fucking nightmare in and of itself.  Foster CARE is a misnomer because no one fucking cares! It is just more shuffling and moving and "placement."  No one wants to be "placed!" For Fuck's Sake!


Why must I live with the horrific (too horrific to put on paper...I don't have the GUTS to do that!) memories of what he personally did to me....and what he allowed OTHERS to do to me?  Why must I live with what they did to me in the "system" also?  Why didn't anyone HELP me?  This is the reason for the tears.


Where is my mother?  Why wasn't I told the truth about her?  Who is covering up?  Who knows what the fuck happened to her? Why was SHE deprived of an amazing daughter?  Why the FUCK did he take her from me? Why the FUCK did he take me from her?  Why did he take her LIFE?  Why did he take MY life? This is the reason for the tears.

Why do I have to live with separation anxiety?  Why do I have to live with abandonment issues? Why did I have to lose relationships because no one ever taught be how to be a decent human being?  Why do I have to live like a kite without a string?  Why do I have to live feeling that I will be dropped at any moment?  Why do I have to live never really "getting" what unconditional love is?  Why do I have to live feeling so utterly ALONE?!  This is the reason for the tears.

What could I have been if this didn't happen to me?  How much better of a person would I have been?  What more/better could I have made my life and the lives of my children?  What could I have done rather than settled for?  A better college experience?  A better career?  More love?  More enjoyment?  Other opportunities?  Hey...how about a fucking birthday party?  How much did I miss out on because of what all happened?  I can't get anything back...nothing.  


I am the strongest person I know.  I had to be. Thanks, Dad.  You fucking fucker!  You mean-ass, don't-deserve-to-be-alive fucking FUCKER.  You don't deserve me.  You don't deserve to know what I've become in spite of you, you fucking PIG. (And with this, I insult the PIG!)  You don't deserve my tears.  You don't deserve to breathe the same air on earth that I do. You fucking, fat, lazy fucking waste of life!  


I've worked so hard in life to make up for the piece of shit that you are!  You fucking piece of shit bastard! 


I don't pray that you burn in HELL because as HE brought me through YOUR HELL.... I don't need to pray for what will be yours.


I do pray for the strength to walk through the fire that is before me...and come to the other side with the peace in life that I so deserve.  This is the reason for the tears.  













Monday, May 17, 2010

~~Wombats~~

Wombats poop square turds.  


See the wombat poop~~


....and see his square turds...




And now you know....



Monday, May 3, 2010

~~Derby Day~~

The "GIRLS" and I had a wonderful Derby Day!  We donned our fancy dresses and our lovely hats to have a grand day!~

First, we pranced into a betting bar, Brennans, and stole the show!  Everyone stared in awe at all of our "fine-ness."

We left feeling like we were already winners!

Next, we were off to brunch at Gainey Ranch/Hyatt.  Our debauchery was too much for some...so they moved away from us.  I think it was the, "Oh phor phuck's sake" that caused that episode.  

I think someone even said, "You are problem-matic!" And with our softest southern drawl, we responded, "Why, thank you, dahlin'!"

After brunch, we picked up a whole poached SALmon and shrimp for derby snacking at Anne's.

We WERE winners! 


Annie:  $22.
Fanny:  $37.
Tranny:  $96.