You may not want to read this entry, as it is an entry before I travel to Springfield to meet people that share my name and my blood for the first time in my 45 years.
I write this for me, so I can, in great hope, relieve the heaviness I feel in my bleeding heart as I prepare for this frightful journey.
Crying everyday doesn't seem to help; it seems that I've cried every living day of my life. Crying doesn't help, so why do the tears keep flowing, seemingly out of nowhere?
As I think about the coming week, I am scared. I literally have been shaking uncontrollably for no reason. I don't think I am angry, but it would be "normal" if I were.
I don't hate my father for all he has done to me and put me through. I am numb to him...as if he doesn't exist. Yet...yet...I want to confront him. If I do go to confront him, I will go as a warrior, not as a wounded soul...even if I have to fake it! I may even do that when I go to St. Louis. He lives in Belleville. I may just do it...to let him know that he has ruined a child. And that ruined child still lives within me. This is the reason for the tears.
I know that driving to Springfield will take me back to my wretched childhood...that was HIS and only HIS fault. No child deserves what happened to me and what I now must live with forever. Maybe I do hate his fucking guts! As I should!
Why was I tortured? Why was I neglected? Why was I abandoned? Why was I deprived of parental love? Why was I so abused? Why must I live with such a huge void in my existence? Why???? What the fuck did I do to get dumped in a park at 11 months old? This is the reason for the tears.
You never ever fucking "get over it!" NEVER! For FUCK's sake!
Will my new-found family love me? Will they hate me? Will they take me in? Will they, too, abandon me? I don't know if I can do this. This is the reason for the tears.
I know when I drive from St. Louis to Springfield the flashbacks will be intense like flashes of massive destruction. Flashbacks of ritualistic torture, of abuse, of neglect, of constant beatings, of nastiness, of daily TERROR! This is the reason for the tears.
Why wasn't I wanted? Why didn't anyone want me? Why didn't anyone SEE what was going on? Why didn't anyone rescue me? Why wasn't I EVER in a loving home? Why the FUCK didn't anyone adopt me? This is the reason for the tears.
Why did I have to beg the court to stay in FOSTER care? Foster care is a fucking nightmare in and of itself. Foster CARE is a misnomer because no one fucking cares! It is just more shuffling and moving and "placement." No one wants to be "placed!" For Fuck's Sake!
Why must I live with the horrific (too horrific to put on paper...I don't have the GUTS to do that!) memories of what he personally did to me....and what he allowed OTHERS to do to me? Why must I live with what they did to me in the "system" also? Why didn't anyone HELP me? This is the reason for the tears.
Where is my mother? Why wasn't I told the truth about her? Who is covering up? Who knows what the fuck happened to her? Why was SHE deprived of an amazing daughter? Why the FUCK did he take her from me? Why the FUCK did he take me from her? Why did he take her LIFE? Why did he take MY life? This is the reason for the tears.
Why do I have to live with separation anxiety? Why do I have to live with abandonment issues? Why did I have to lose relationships because no one ever taught be how to be a decent human being? Why do I have to live like a kite without a string? Why do I have to live feeling that I will be dropped at any moment? Why do I have to live never really "getting" what unconditional love is? Why do I have to live feeling so utterly ALONE?! This is the reason for the tears.
What could I have been if this didn't happen to me? How much better of a person would I have been? What more/better could I have made my life and the lives of my children? What could I have done rather than settled for? A better college experience? A better career? More love? More enjoyment? Other opportunities? Hey...how about a fucking birthday party? How much did I miss out on because of what all happened? I can't get anything back...nothing.
I am the strongest person I know. I had to be. Thanks, Dad. You fucking fucker! You mean-ass, don't-deserve-to-be-alive fucking FUCKER. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve to know what I've become in spite of you, you fucking PIG. (And with this, I insult the PIG!) You don't deserve my tears. You don't deserve to breathe the same air on earth that I do. You fucking, fat, lazy fucking waste of life!
I've worked so hard in life to make up for the piece of shit that you are! You fucking piece of shit bastard!
I don't pray that you burn in HELL because as HE brought me through YOUR HELL.... I don't need to pray for what will be yours.
I do pray for the strength to walk through the fire that is before me...and come to the other side with the peace in life that I so deserve. This is the reason for the tears.