Wednesday, February 23, 2011

~~NetFlix Lies~~

Strange title for a blog; bare with me.

I've never been this before.  Note, I haven't said that I've never DONE this before...I haven't, but that is not my point. I've never BEEN this before.

Currently, I am immobile and will be for longer than I care to think through.  This will truly be one of those cliche "One day at a time" situations. I'd like to say, "Okay, Okay... I've got it already!" "Uncle!" "I'll do whatever you want!"  Not gonna happen.

One day my back hurts ....months down the line, it hurts more...and then more....and then one day the pain "catches" me and I fall.  I fall two more times.  I go to a doctor that sends me home with Tylenol, Prozac and Physical Therapy.  Intensive therapy...not so much on the prozac.  

I go to intensive therapy for a month...three days a week.  This is getting worse.  I hate going to physical therapy. They send me to a spine specialist.  He injects me in the back.

~~I'm getting back to NetFlix. Have patience.~~  (By the way, that is what I am praying for...patience.)

The injections don't work and I start barfing violently, up to 10 times a day.  After I get my nails, done (priorities), I stop into the doc that did my injection. "Go home and come back if you're not better soon."  I'M NOT BETTER!  

In addition, to vicodin from the injector, they give me massive amounts of narcotics...the most before they are illegal.  I continue to be in pain and to barf.  I go to another "specialist" that orders an MRI.  MRI shows that I have two massive tears....muscles torn from my hip bone.   (phucking garden)

He has ordered near bed rest for 8-12 weeks. I'm still puking every day of my life.  Do you know anyone that can tolerate puking?  Right.

So, I am very lonely, lying in bed after a night of zero sleep.  I took myself off the narcotics because, I believe that between the pain and the drugs, it is making me sicker.  My hip cannot heal if I am violently puking.  So there.

Okay... It hurts to lie down.  Head up; Feet up; Head down; Feet up; No combination helps.

Every move hurts....crap I need tissue and drop it on the floor... get it.... I need to eat so I don't hurl.  That means I'll have to get up.... I don't want to get up because it hurts and I may throw up. I can't. So I don't.

I love movies, so I search for one on NetFlix.  I find one, "Hate Crime." I love gritty, Indy flicks, so I think this will help me get through the day.  

Obviously, it is a movie in which one person, "for the love of God," brutally murders a young man for whom he loves.  Love is phucking Love.  Get over your phucking judgment, World!!

~~hold on...I need to open the damn door for the dog....and it is gonna hurt~~ He gleefully wagged his tail....I nearly barfed~~

So after I BAWLED through this movie, looking at the mounds of damp tissue next to me on the bed, I tell myself, "Self, you can clearly slip into a big depression here."  

So....back to shopping for NetFlix again...only this time, I scour the genre "Comedy."  I read the description, and it looks light hearted enough. So before I know it, I realize it is a comedy about life and how utterly phucking messy it is.  How people lie to each other, cheat on each other, hurt each other---mostly those we love.  For if we don't love those people, we couldn't hurt them and they would not be hurt.

Life and love is messy....and I am immobile.....

NetFlix lies......  

(ps. you do NOT have an invitation to my pity there....xoxoxo)